Don't Be Ridiculous
by ohmytheon
Summary: (Daemon AU) It's not his fault. All Roy wanted to do was take a shower, clean up his dirty as hell daemon, get some ice for his bourbon, and relax after the end of a (quite literally) shitty mission. Instead he ends up locked out and hiding naked in Riza's hotel room. What a ridiculous series of events.
**Author's Notes:** In which I am evil and give Roy a hard time. I'm just letting you know that this got way out of hand and I struggled to write this because I kept stopping to grin like an idiot. Finally, I treat Roy the way the-musical-alchemist does and it's rather embarrassing. I don't write crack very often, but I always have fun when I do. Forgive me for writing like two pages of exposition before getting to the prompt line. I always struggle with setting up the scene and stuff. The prompt was _"Is there a reason you're naked in my bed?"_ \+ Royai + daemons AU. I aim to please. This would be set before the last scene in the fic, **"rummaging in our souls,"** but after **"Join the Club"** and **"talents of the souls"**. None of them are necessary to read to understand this one. It's just me torturing Roy. Nothing out of the ordinary. Notes on daemons at the end.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own jack.

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 **Don't Be Ridiculous**

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It wasn't his fault. That was all Roy could think of when this whole disaster came to a head.

First of all, they were forced to chase a rogue alchemist all the way to Awrosut for what felt like hours and then on foot in the city after their cars were damaged. Things came to a climatic halt when said alchemist somehow managed to cause all the potholes in the area to burst and flooded the area with sewage water. To say that Roy was a happy camper would've been a gross understatement. Not only were they soaked, but it was disgusting and smelly and they hadn't had the luxury of being able to shed their clothes during the chase.

In the end, despite the alchemist's attempts to use Roy's weakness of water against him, there was so much of it that Roy was able to use it to his advantage. Certainly his rage helped as well. Nothing quite stoked Roy's temper like having sewage water dumped on him. Shula didn't take it very well either. For a moment, he'd thought that she was going to tear into the man's hyena daemon; only Wojciech intervening had saved the daemon, but even then he'd not been pleased either. It was a good thing Fullmetal wasn't there to witness the event or the little snot would've had a field day and never would have let it go.

Unfortunately, there was no way in hell that they were going to drive all the way back to East City while drenched in the filth. The moment they were able to lock up the alchemist, Roy was able to rent rooms at the nearest hotel, sending in Fuery to get the rooms since he managed to avoid most of the sewage destruction. He easily had the funds to pay for rooms, going so far as to splurge and give everyone their own so they could relax with their daemons and not feel cramped. As far as he was concerned, Eastern HQ was going to reimburse him the second they got back for this mess of a so-called "simple" mission.

Roy cringed every time he took a step and his boots squelched. He did not want to think about what was in that water. Shula's normally sandy gold fur looked brown and muddy, only to make her more infuriated. She loathed being dirty. Havoc had worn a perpetually queasy look on his face ever since they managed to catch the fugitive, Hiroko silent at his side for once and sticking her face out the window. Breda fared no better, his Sumati doing the same as Hiroko. For once, they didn't like anything smelly and their keen dog sense of smell turned against them. Falman's Ayn sat curled up in his lap and hissed if anyone so much as looked at her. They hadn't eaten since breakfast, but it didn't appear as if even anyone wanted to eat for a few days.

And then there was Riza and stalwart Wojciech, deathly quiet and terse as they sat in the back. Normally she drove and Wojciech would sit in the back with the other daemons, but they had unfortunately received the worst of the sewage water attack and Fuery took over the wheel, his clean Ada tucked under the seat. Wojciech's grey and white fur was covered in muck and her hair, try as she might, was plastered on her head, her uniform clinging to her figure for once. The truth was they were sitting in the back not because of the smell but because everyone was slightly terrified of them. Even Shula glanced back occasionally, but then would look ahead without saying anything.

As soon as they reached the section of the hotel where their rooms were, all of them quickly left the vehicle. There was a laundromat where they could take their uniforms to be washed, as none of them had a change of clothes, but Roy was fairly certain that he'd rather burn the offending clothing than ever put it on again. Without so much as saying goodbye or goodnight to one another, everyone rushed into their rooms, eager to strip out of their clothes and jump into the showers, humans and daemons alike.

Immediately, Roy strode to the bathroom and turned the shower on. While he struggled to get out of his soggy clothes, Shula jumped inside. While most cats didn't like to be covered in water and Shula was no exception, especially considering water could make him useless, she didn't mind it now. He heard her practically purr as the water fell on her and washed the grime out of her coat.

"You better not take all the hot water," Roy told her as he hopped about the bathroom trying to get his boots off. He was already shirtless, having discarded the top layers of his clothing. How had his boots managed to fill up with so much water? Shula only harrumphed in response.

Once he was down to his boxers, he found one of the shampoo bottles and shoved the curtain aside. Kneeling next to the tub, Roy worked the shampoo into her thick fur. There was no way a simple rinse was going to clean her. He could only imagine the struggle that Falman was going through trying to clean Ayn; his tabby cat daemon despised getting wet more than Roy and Shula combined. Luckily for him, Shula seemed pleased with getting a proper shower and hummed as he washed her thoroughly.

Every now and then he stuck his head above her to get a splash of water, but then she'd shoot him a glower the second she felt him stop washing her down. _Wait your turn._

She was just lucky that he loved her. And she could've knocked him down and sat on him until he relented with letting her go first. She would do that if it meant getting cleaned. When both of them were satisfied, Shula stepped out of the tub. She didn't even struggle since the tub was almost too small for her. He wrapped a few towels around her, rubbing her quickly until she felt finished.

As she lied down at the door and began to lick at her paws, still nuzzled in the towels, Roy rid himself of his boxers and jumped into the shower, closing the curtain behind him. The loudest sigh he had never made escaped him as the hot water rained down on him. Finally, he could feel human again instead of some sewage monster. He could have been in that shower for hours, but nothing seemed to completely rid him of the feeling that he was covered in filth. Only until the water turned cold did he turn the water off. He reached blindly for a towel until Shula snatched one up and handed it to him. After wrapping it around his waist, he got out of the tub and the two of them walked into the bedroom.

"Now, let's see what sort of libations they have in this little mini-fridge," Roy said as he began to rummage around in the thing in the corner of the room.

Shula shook the remaining towel off of her before jumping into the bed. "Don't you have to pay for those things?"

"HQ can stand to pay for a bourbon or two," Roy replied as he picked out three mini bottles of bourbon. Not the best kind, but it would have to do. He needed a drink after this day. He deserved a drink. He had gone on some mad car chase, ran a mini marathon, and then basically had a toilet dumped on him.

"I don't think the government would classify liquor as essential to a mission," Shula said dryly.

Roy didn't listen, of course, as he fetched a glass. That was only when he realized that he didn't have any ice. Normally, this wasn't a problem. He could and regularly did drink bourbon straight, but this was not good stuff and he really wanted ice. It was a minor inconvenience, but he refused to let it go. He wanted ice. He vaguely remembered seeing an ice machine near his room when he'd rushed inside. The only thing that made him hesitate was that he didn't have any clothes to wear. He certainly wasn't going to put his dirty ones on again after taking a hot shower.

Well, it wasn't like he was embarrassed or ashamed of his body. He was damn attractive. If he happened to cross anyone on the way to and from the ice machine, he wouldn't care. And if it so happened to be an attractive woman that saw him, all the better. Shula snorted at that thought and Roy gave her a bland sideways look.

With his resolve set, Roy snatched up the card key and opened his door to look around outside. It was dark. No one was outside. He heard Shula sigh and jump off the bed behind him, nudging the door open wider as she wiggled in next to him. Just a quick jaunt to the ice machine and then he'd be able to relax with a drink in hand. Taking a breath and gripping his towel tightly, Roy rushed to the ice machine. It wasn't so bad. The night air was cool on his skin, but it felt good. Once he was at the machine, Shula lazily standing in front of him to give him more cover, Roy felt a bit silly for being so nervous. He gathered a bucket of ice, nodded to Shula, and then calmly walked back to his hotel room.

Only to find that the card key didn't work and the door was locked.

"What?" Roy tried again and again, but much to his horror, it didn't work and beeped red at him. Panic began to well up in his chest, but he tried to contain it. Shula peered up at him, a sense of amusement wafting from her. No, things were fine. It was fine. Riza had the spare key to his room, just in case, as she always did when they stayed in a hotel out of town.

A light clicked on in his head. Riza had the other key to his room. He had the spare key to her room. In his rush to get ice, he must have grabbed her key instead of his. Rubbing his forehead in frustration, Roy stepped over to her door and then hesitated. He really should knock first instead of barging in, even if he was beginning to panic from being out in the open for so long with just a small towel covering him. He was about to as well when headlights suddenly beamed at him. In his rush to hide and get inside, he managed to knock into Shula, drop the towel, and stagger into the room.

The silence that followed after was almost breathtaking. Roy stood absolutely naked in Riza's hotel room, trying his best to cover himself up and not tremble in horror, as Shula looked at him wide-eyed and frozen herself. How in the hell had this managed to happen? It wasn't his fault. None of it had been on purpose! A series of awful circumstances led him here to his nightmare-ish event.

When he was drunk and guiltily allowed himself to fantasize about being naked in the same room as Riza, it was not like this. Not at all.

Before either of them could think to do anything or run outside to grab the fallen towel, the shower stopped in the bathroom. Roy could faintly hear Riza humming a song to herself. Wojciech was silent. Any second they would come out of the bathroom though and see what was waiting for them in the bedroom.

Eyes wider than ever before, Roy glanced at Shula, then the bathroom door, around the room, and then back at Shula. She scoffed at him and took a step back. Roy narrowed his eyes at her. _Traitor._ The two of them were incredibly close, as daemons and humans tend to be, and they had gone through hell and back together, but she had a particularly modest streak when it came to being around him when he was naked. Quite frankly, she did not like it.

Still, there was nothing that could be done. As the door to the bathroom slowly began to open, Roy leaped onto the bed, jerking a hand at Shula, who dug her claws into the floor and then jumped on it as well, effectively using her large body to shield his more…private areas. He really did hope that he looked calm and collected, maybe even charming, and they could laugh about his unfortunate luck later - but he felt like a complete mess.

Predictably, the second Riza exited the bathroom and lifted her head after toweling her hair dry, she came to a complete and sudden halt as she stared at the ridiculous sight before her. Her mouth opened but no sound came out and the towel fell the floor from her hands as she gaped at him. Roy grinned sheepishly in response and waved a hand as the other held his head propped up.

Wojciech bumped into the back of her legs. "Riza, what-?" His golden eyes locked onto them and he snapped his jaw shut, sitting back down on his haunches. A very confused look crossed his face as he eyes swiveled from Roy to Shula. It could've been worse than confusion. Roy had been concerned that Wojciech would be very pissed and physically throw them out before they could explain the situation.

After what felt like an hour, Riza closed her mouth and seemed to get her bearings straight. Taking a deep breath and gripping the towel wrapped around her body even tighter, she closed her eyes and asked in a surprisingly patient tone, "Is there any reason you're naked in my bed?"

"Would you believe that I'm attempting to woo you?" Roy asked.

"When I can still remember you slipping in shit water less than two hours ago?" Riza asked dryly, still not opening her eyes. Shula was doing a good job in covering him up, but she was getting antsy and it still probably wasn't enough to stop her imagination from running wild. "I don't think so."

Roy gave her a put out look, but relief washed through him nonetheless. He didn't want Riza to think that he was trying to coerce her into breaking the anti-fraternization rules - much less the lines they had so carefully drawn themselves. It was a daily struggle for them as it was with all of their clothes on. Roy blinked as he gazed at her standing awkwardly in front of him. She looked like was closing in on herself or wished a hole would suck her up. Then again, she was only wearing a towel. A small towel. Her legs long and creamy and toned from running, her arms thin but muscular from holding up guns for so long, her chest…

Wojciech made a noise that sounded like something between a growl and a snort.

The realization hit him hard. Riza was standing practically naked before him. He hadn't seen her this bare in years, not since he spent months at her place studying the transmutation circle on her back. Even when he'd burned her back, she had only been naked on the top since he only had to burn the top part. His face flushed red and he slipped on the bed in his embarrassment, nearly falling off of it onto the floor. His sudden movement made Shula jump up though and glare back at him before he was able to settle again.

"What happened?" Riza asked, finally opening her eyes. She wasn't really looking at him though, choosing to settle her gaze on Shula.

"Idiot locked himself out of his room while trying to get ice and then got startled by a car and lost his towel," Shula answered for him. Roy made an indignant noise, but she merely rolled her shoulders in response. She wasn't lying. It had been an idiot move on his part. "You have the spare key to his room."

"Of course." Riza was acting far too calm about this, her tone flat, but Roy could see the pink flush in her cheeks. He knew it wasn't due from the hot water of the shower she just took.

"I don't know," Wojciech piped up. "Should we give it to him?" He gave Roy an almost feral-looking grin, the kind of grin that only a wolf can give, usually before a kill. It made Shula hunch her shoulders. "I say we make him suffer a little bit longer. After all, he's the reason we got sewage dumped on us."

"Wojciech," Roy practically whined, not caring about dignity any longer. He was lying on Riza's bed completely naked using his daemon as cover after having been covered in shit. There was nothing left of his pride today. He gave them the most pleading, pitiful look he could muster. Wojciech and Riza looked at each other, telepathically communicating with probably just their eyes. He could sense their amusement though. Sometimes it felt like he could feel what Wojciech was thinking even though the wolf wasn't his daemon.

Letting out a huff, Wojciech sighed, "Oh, alright, we'll help you. No need to look so pathetic."

"So says the daemon that spent the entire car ride looking light a drowned rat and pouted about it," Shula shot back. Wojciech stood up at that, a look that promised retribution if Shula continued any further with her teasing. The lion daemon grinned back at him and swished her tail about lazily.

Roy snatched her tail to get her to stop and gave her a pointed look. Don't antagonize them when we need their help.

 _I don't need their help,_ Shula told him. _I'm perfectly fine not being clothed._

Damn his daemon for being so bloody snarky, even with him. After letting go of her tail, Roy turned his gaze back to Riza and smiled winningly at her. Riza merely rolled her eyes at him, but grabbed the spare hotel card key to his room from the desk. She crossed the room and held it out to him. When he reached out to take it from her, he stopped, one of his fingers barely grazing hers. Only then did he notice her trembling.

"I'm not going to bite, you know," he told her.

"I know," Riza said, "a shame, really."

Roy frowned as his heart skipped a beat. "You're really mean when you tease."

Instead of saying anything to that, Riza smiled and let go of the card key. He eyed her carefully. So many people thought that she didn't have a sense of humor and that Wojciech was just a terrifying daemon, but the truth was so much deeper than that. He considered himself lucky to see that teasing side of them so often, but also cursed since he was the target half the time. At least this ridiculous situation was able to coax a smile out of her when she'd been in such a foul mood earlier. He could look at the good side of this whole thing.

Without saying a word, Riza closed her eyes and turned around, giving him the privacy to stand up. Wojciech gave him a wink before doing the same. Roy nearly scowled at the wolf. Cheeky thing, Wojciech could be. Giving Shula a nod, he stood up from the bed and she jumped off it. Once he opened the door, he snatched the towel still lying on the ground and wrapped it around himself. "At ease, Lieutenant." She turned her head to glance back at him, her body more relaxed and muscles less tense. "And thank you for understanding that it was an accident and not siccing Wojciech on me."

"Next time, I won't be so forgiving about you nearly staining Riza's honor," Wojciech declared.

"Next time, it won't be an accident," Shula countered.

Both Roy and Riza turned red in the face and he gave Shula a sour look as he shut the door. Shula, of course, didn't care one bit and looked not the least ashamed of her comment. Despite the fact that all of them had agreed to the rules that they were now forced to follow, that didn't stop the two daemons from meddling with their humans' lives, just as they had done when the two of them were kids and stepped uneasily around one another. It seemed as if some things never changed, even if other things did.

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riza hawkeye - northwestern wolf/northern timber wolf - wojciech (pronounced "VOI-chekh"): means "soldier" + "solace, comfort, joy"  
roy mustang - african lion - shula: means "flame" in arabic  
vato falman - mackeral tabby cat - ayn: based off ayn rand, a russian-american writer and philosopher  
jean havoc - german shepherd dog - hiroko: means "tolerant, generous," "abundant," and or "prosperous" + "child" in japanese  
heymans breda - blue nose pit bull dog - sumati: means "wise, good mind", derived from sanskrit  
kain fuery - european otter - ada (pronounced "AH-dah"): based off ada lovelace, assistant to charles babbage, the inventor of the early mechanical computer


End file.
